Do you know that feeling—when you’re already not doing well, you call someone for support, and instead of feeling better, you end the conversation feeling even more alone and misunderstood?
A while ago, when I was going through a really difficult period, I felt a strong need to be able to talk about what was happening to me.
What disappointed me most back then was that many “friends” quickly seemed to disappear at exactly those moments.
Some of them would still make time for a phone call now and then, but—despite their good intentions—they sometimes gave advice that actually had the opposite effect.
I don’t doubt their intentions. They genuinely wanted to lift me up. But “cheering someone up” is sometimes exactly what doesn’t work in those moments. In fact, it can be impossible.
It’s as if you’re operating on a completely different wavelength.
Because of a severely overstimulated nervous system, I developed intense anxiety symptoms. I experienced overwhelming panic that could last for days at a time.
During one phone call, my friend Yuki said:
“Why don’t you start learning Italian? You like that, right?” she added.
“Or just go outside and talk to people, practice your Italian a bit.”
How could I explain to her that, in my state, I simply wasn’t capable of that?
I tried to make it clear using an analogy:
“Imagine a lion suddenly walks into your room—would you still be able to sit down with a textbook and learn a foreign language?” I asked her.
“I didn’t realize it was that bad”, she said.
And that is exactly the point. People often don’t realize how bad it actually is. From that lack of understanding come the kinds of well-meaning but misplaced pieces of advice:
Some people—like my friend Yuki—are willing to accept that it really can be that intense. But there are others who will explain to you that you always get more of what you focus on. In other words:
When I was younger, comments like this really hurt me, because I genuinely believed them. I assumed I must be doing something wrong. Later, I went through a phase where I wondered whether these Martha types truly believed they were helping. Do they expect that you'll suddenly realize :
I no longer listen to Martha types. Because I started to question whether the intention is actually to help—or whether it is sometimes more about feeling superior in that moment.
I’m sharing this so you can place those kinds of comments in context.
The people who give you advice like that are, in my experience, not the right people to call when you’re struggling and need support. Because honestly—that isn’t support, is it?
What does help, in my experience, is someone who listens with genuine attention and interest. And—very importantly—without judgment.
Because it’s exactly those judgments (“What are you doing? Just enjoy life” or “Well, you’re choosing this”) that make you feel so misunderstood.
Just the sense that you’re allowed to be exactly as you are in that moment—even with all your fear—can already be deeply relieving.
What really works, in my experience, is feeling
seen, heard, and acknowledged.
How does this feel for you, personally?
Ans because I’ve experienced how difficult it can be to find someone who simply listens, with respect for who you are and your inner world, I decided to create that space myself.
I now offer conversation sessions based on Unconditional Presence.
If you feel the need to simply talk, without needing anything to be fixed, you’re welcome. You can come to me in Amsterdam or in Bagheria (Palermo).
Feel free to reach out.
If my story resonates with you, feel free to share it with someone who might also find it meaningful.
Photo: Persnickety Prints
Because of a severely overstimulated nervous system, I developed intense anxiety symptoms. I experienced overwhelming panic that could last for days at a time.
During one phone call, my friend Yuki said:
“What are you doing? Just enjoy your life!”Sounds like a great idea, I thought, with a touch of irony.
“Why don’t you start learning Italian? You like that, right?” she added.
“Or just go outside and talk to people, practice your Italian a bit.”
How could I explain to her that, in my state, I simply wasn’t capable of that?
I tried to make it clear using an analogy:
“Imagine a lion suddenly walks into your room—would you still be able to sit down with a textbook and learn a foreign language?” I asked her.
“I didn’t realize it was that bad”, she said.
And that is exactly the point. People often don’t realize how bad it actually is. From that lack of understanding come the kinds of well-meaning but misplaced pieces of advice:
“Just enjoy your life”,as if that’s something you simply forget to do. What’s not seen is that you can be in a state where enjoying life isn’t just far away—it’s not even an option. I was already grateful if the fear wasn’t completely taking over. That alone was a victory.
Some people—like my friend Yuki—are willing to accept that it really can be that intense. But there are others who will explain to you that you always get more of what you focus on. In other words:
“You’re doing it all yourself.”Because apparently, you could enjoy your life, but you’re choosing anxiety instead. At least, that’s their reasoning. I call these people “Martha types”. (Sorry if your name is Martha—it’s nothing personal. I once had a friend who regularly made comments like this, and her name just happened to be Martha.)
When I was younger, comments like this really hurt me, because I genuinely believed them. I assumed I must be doing something wrong. Later, I went through a phase where I wondered whether these Martha types truly believed they were helping. Do they expect that you'll suddenly realize :
“Oh wow, you’re right!”By now, I’ve come to a different understanding…
“Now I see the light—I’m cured of my anxiety in one go, thanks to you!”
I no longer listen to Martha types. Because I started to question whether the intention is actually to help—or whether it is sometimes more about feeling superior in that moment.
I’m sharing this so you can place those kinds of comments in context.
The people who give you advice like that are, in my experience, not the right people to call when you’re struggling and need support. Because honestly—that isn’t support, is it?
What does help, in my experience, is someone who listens with genuine attention and interest. And—very importantly—without judgment.
Because it’s exactly those judgments (“What are you doing? Just enjoy life” or “Well, you’re choosing this”) that make you feel so misunderstood.
Just the sense that you’re allowed to be exactly as you are in that moment—even with all your fear—can already be deeply relieving.
What really works, in my experience, is feeling
seen, heard, and acknowledged.
How does this feel for you, personally?
Ans because I’ve experienced how difficult it can be to find someone who simply listens, with respect for who you are and your inner world, I decided to create that space myself.
I now offer conversation sessions based on Unconditional Presence.
If you feel the need to simply talk, without needing anything to be fixed, you’re welcome. You can come to me in Amsterdam or in Bagheria (Palermo).
Feel free to reach out.
If my story resonates with you, feel free to share it with someone who might also find it meaningful.
Photo: Persnickety Prints
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