Some time ago, I went through a very difficult period in my life. I had experienced something traumatic, but in many ways, the social aftermath affected me even more than the event itself.
At first, I was so busy dealing with all the practical matters that I didn't really have time to process what had happened. What I did feel was a strong need to talk about it.
At first, I was so busy dealing with all the practical matters that I didn't really have time to process what had happened. What I did feel was a strong need to talk about it.
WHEN SUPPORT WAS HARDER TO FIND THAN EXPECTED
From that moment on, I found myself being shocked over and over again. What shocked me most was that I couldn't turn to my friends. Before long, they stopped showing up. And the people who were willing to help me—whether by offering practical support or simply listening to my story—didn't seem to be doing it purely out of kindness. It left me feeling incredibly alone. And as time went on, I noticed that I was developing more and more anxiety, and that it was becoming increasingly severe.
SEARCHING FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP
Eventually, I decided to see my family doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. That turned out to be another shocking experience. In the end, I couldn't get an appointment anywhere. Not because there weren't any therapists—quite the opposite. There are plenty of them where I live. But every single one had a waiting list of at least six months.
WHAT LONG WAITING LISTS REVEAL
That told me something.
If there are that many psychotherapists, and every one of them has such a long waiting list, then the demand for mental health support must be enormous.
Around that time, I happened to mention this to my rheumatology nurse. She confirmed that this is a real issue. Even for healthcare professionals trying to refer someone into the mental health system, long waiting lists are a major obstacle. So I asked her, "Are there really that many people struggling with their mental health?" She didn't really have an answer. "Apparently", she said.
If there are that many psychotherapists, and every one of them has such a long waiting list, then the demand for mental health support must be enormous.
Around that time, I happened to mention this to my rheumatology nurse. She confirmed that this is a real issue. Even for healthcare professionals trying to refer someone into the mental health system, long waiting lists are a major obstacle. So I asked her, "Are there really that many people struggling with their mental health?" She didn't really have an answer. "Apparently", she said.
THE QUESTION: COULD I OFFER SOMETHING TO OTHERS?
And that's when I found myself thinking: maybe this is something I could offer someone else. Because I truly believe that receiving is in the giving.
I don't experience it as a burden when someone trusts me enough to share their story. Quite the opposite. I take it as a compliment, and I'm grateful that I can be there for someone in that moment.
But how?
I don't experience it as a burden when someone trusts me enough to share their story. Quite the opposite. I take it as a compliment, and I'm grateful that I can be there for someone in that moment.
But how?
THE KIND OF SUPPORT I DIDN'T WANT TO OFFER
To be honest, my own experiences with psychotherapy have never been particularly positive.
What I often found difficult—putting it mildly—was the feeling that I wasn't really being seen as a person. Instead, I often felt reduced to a "case." I was told what I was doing wrong, what I needed to work on, what needed fixing. It usually created resistance in me. It certainly never made me feel helped.
So I knew one thing:
That wasn't the kind of support I wanted to offer.
What I often found difficult—putting it mildly—was the feeling that I wasn't really being seen as a person. Instead, I often felt reduced to a "case." I was told what I was doing wrong, what I needed to work on, what needed fixing. It usually created resistance in me. It certainly never made me feel helped.
So I knew one thing:
That wasn't the kind of support I wanted to offer.
LOOKING FOR A DIFFERENT APPROACH
What I had always longed for was someone who would listen without judgment. Someone with whom I could simply share my story. Someone who might offer another perspective, but who wouldn't immediately start looking for a fix or trying to identify everything that was supposedly broken.
Naturally, that's exactly the kind of presence I would want to offer someone else. So I started looking into it. Does something like this even exist? And if so, what is it called?
Naturally, that's exactly the kind of presence I would want to offer someone else. So I started looking into it. Does something like this even exist? And if so, what is it called?
DISCOVERING PRESENCE
Years ago—before ChatGPT—it would have been much harder to find an answer to a question like that. But this time, the answer appeared almost immediately.
Yes.
It does exist.
It's called Presence.
The theory of Presence was developed by Andries Baart. When I heard him explain (video) —in Dutch—what Presence is and what it can mean for people, I was deeply moved.
Yes.
It does exist.
It's called Presence.
The theory of Presence was developed by Andries Baart. When I heard him explain (video) —in Dutch—what Presence is and what it can mean for people, I was deeply moved.
SEEING THE PERSON BEHIND THE PROBLEM
In this approach, the relationship comes first.
The other person isn't approached as a problem to be solved, but as a human being. Someone with a history, hopes, limitations, and a life shaped by their unique circumstances.
The central question is:
How does life present itself to this person?
From there, something emerges that many people deeply long for: the experience of being truly seen and acknowledged. The feeling that what you're going through genuinely matters. That someone sincerely cares.
According to Baart, that alone can already be an important part of the healing process.
I'm convinced that's true.
The other person isn't approached as a problem to be solved, but as a human being. Someone with a history, hopes, limitations, and a life shaped by their unique circumstances.
The central question is:
How does life present itself to this person?
From there, something emerges that many people deeply long for: the experience of being truly seen and acknowledged. The feeling that what you're going through genuinely matters. That someone sincerely cares.
According to Baart, that alone can already be an important part of the healing process.
I'm convinced that's true.
WHAT HELPED ME MOST
looking back, the people who helped me most were not psychotherapists. One was a social worker, another a hypnotherapist. What they had in common was a sense of acceptance. The feeling that I was allowed to be who I was. They made me feel that I was allowed to be exactly who I was. That isn't something I've always experienced with psychotherapists.
That's why this approach speaks to me.
RETURNING TO THE QUESTION OF FRIENDSHIP
Coming back to my friends...
For a long time, I kept wondering why they weren't really there for me when I needed them most. It also made me question whether they were truly my friends. Later, I discovered that there has been a broader social shift taking place—one that had completely passed me by, but that did help explain why my friends responded the way they did. I wrote a separate blog post about that.
For a long time, I kept wondering why they weren't really there for me when I needed them most. It also made me question whether they were truly my friends. Later, I discovered that there has been a broader social shift taking place—one that had completely passed me by, but that did help explain why my friends responded the way they did. I wrote a separate blog post about that.
AN INVITATION TO EXPLORE FURTHER
Anyway, if you're curious about Andries Baart's theory of Presence, or about what I might be able to offer you—or someone you know—through this approach, you can read more here.
What helped you most during a difficult period in your life?
What does feeling truly heard mean to you?
What helped you most during a difficult period in your life?
What does feeling truly heard mean to you?
Photo: Priscilla Du Preez
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