The “Why” That Finally Made Me Quit Smoking

Should I tell you how I once quit smoking?

Better to ask me why I quit — because that question turned out to matter a lot more in the end.

It's been ten years now since I smoked my last cigarette. I don't remember the exact date, but I know it was around this time of year, back in 2016.

I'd made earlier attempts to quit that actually worked... very temporarily.

The longest stretch I ever managed without smoking was, I think, a little over six months. Every other failed attempt failed because I didn't really want to quit — I just felt like I should want to.

And there were also a few years where I quit half-heartedly and supposedly "didn't smoke," but really, I have to admit, I did: two cigarettes a day. All day long I'd walk around craving those two cigarettes I let myself have in the evening when I got home, paired with a half-liter of beer. That was my little after-work ritual. I'd grab the beer at the supermarket on the way home, and the two cigarettes at the coffeeshop¹ around the corner — until one day, out of nowhere, they just refused to sell them to me. Turns out — something they'd never mentioned — they weren't allowed to sell loose cigarettes at all, not unless I also bought weed or hash. Which I didn't.

From there it went downhill fast. Forced into it, I just started buying full packs at the supermarket instead. But once I had that stash in the house, two cigarettes a night quickly became three, and not long after that I was smoking full-time again.

During my second-to-last attempt — which failed, obviously (otherwise it would've been the last attempt, not the second-to-last 🤓) — I quit purely out of anger. I was furious about how outrageously expensive a pack of cigarettes had gotten. I don't know how it works now, but back then the price went up every year right after New Year's, almost entirely because of excise tax hikes. That crossed a line for me. As far as I was concerned, this wasn't a deterrence policy anymore — it was just exploiting someone's addiction.

That particular attempt actually stuck for quite a while. By then I knew half-hearted quitting wasn't an option for me — I just didn't have that kind of self-control. So this time I made myself a deal: no cigarettes at all from now on, not even two a day.

I'd tried different methods before: cold turkey, acupuncture, nicotine gum.

Cold turkey was just too hard, at least if I wasn't also willing to change anything else about my habits. My entire daily routine was basically built around the addiction. The first thing I did every morning was light a cigarette. Then I'd make coffee and smoke another one with it — and honestly, any smoker will tell you, a cigarette with a cup of coffee, tea, or a drink is a great combo. Same after meals — classic moment for a smoker to reach for one.

So cold turkey wasn't for me. I couldn't break the addiction while leaving every other habit exactly in place.

I've heard from some ex-smokers that acupuncture cured them instantly — one session and suddenly no craving at all. It did absolutely nothing for me. Just as maddening as going cold turkey. Nicotine gum wasn't my thing either. Maybe it helps break the habit of smoking, but if anything it keeps the nicotine addiction itself alive. To me it just felt like shifting the problem. I was so hooked that chewing it all day actually made me nauseous.

What I had figured out by then, though, was that the Master Cleanse worked for me — it reset all my habits at once. I'd done it before, for five days, and had no trouble not smoking during that stretch. It was also just a genuinely nice experience, because the detox itself got me naturally a little high. (Okay, more than a little. 😜) That obviously helps when you're trying to break an addiction — I was so absorbed in the detox that it distracted me plenty from the craving.

For that second-to-last quit attempt, I'd carved out real time to fully commit to the Master Cleanse. The "detox high" I was hoping for didn't show up this time, but instead I got something else: inspiration, a kind of renewed energy, real zest for life.

The months after that, I genuinely loved not smoking. It was a stretch when my daughter and I took a bunch of great trips together, and I remember how amazing it felt to travel without being weighed down by all the little inconveniences of a smoking habit. We once took a bus from Amsterdam to London and back, and during a rest stop I watched a few people rush to sneak in a cigarette — I was just glad I didn't have to do that anymore. We also backpacked through southern Spain, hostel to hostel, and again I was so relieved not to have to hunt down places to smoke during our stays.

Not smoking suddenly made life a lot simpler. Where it fell apart, after about six months, was when I got hit with several things that were, at the time, genuinely stressful. And that's something I've since come to understand clearly: when life is going smoothly, an addiction is something you can resist. But land yourself in a stressful situation, and it can flare right back up.

Even after ten years.

Back then, I relapsed. That won't happen to me now, after ten years smoke-free — simply because I don't want it to anymore. But that doesn't mean stressful moments can't still be genuinely hard. Even now, in moments of real stress, that craving for a cigarette still surfaces, almost like a reflex. So why did it work ten years ago and not before? The method hadn't changed — I quit again through the Master Cleanse, which had already proven itself as a way in for me. Quitting, that part I was good at. Sticking with it — that's where I used to fall short. The reason it's held for ten years this time really comes down to the "why."

My dental hygienist told me I'd lose my bottom teeth if I kept smoking — they'd already started loosening from bacteria that had built up under my gums. She said, "There's no point doing a treatment if you're not going to quit smoking." That hit me hard enough that I quit on the spot, because I didn't want to lose my teeth. Unfortunately, a few years later, I lost them anyway. (Don't worry — my dentist found a good fix for that.)

But thankfully, I never picked smoking back up again.

Photo: Caroline Hernandez

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¹ An Amsterdam coffeeshop isn't a regular café — it's a specific type of establishment that's allowed to sell cannabis products under strict Dutch regulations. Most coffeeshops sell various kinds of weed and hash, and at some of them you can also consume it on the premises. The name "coffeeshop" is a bit misleading: coffee and other drinks are usually available too, but the main thing that sets it apart from an ordinary café is the cannabis sales. ↩