Why Do Phone Calls Start With Small Talk? (And Why We Might Be Avoiding Them)

Do you still call just to talk, or do you mostly stick to quick messages nowadays? Phone calls seem to have their own unwritten rules — and I only realised quite late that I’d been skipping one of the most “obvious” parts…

Do you still often call friends or family just for a chat, to ask for advice, or maybe because you need some information?
I ask because I get the impression that people nowadays tend to send text messages or WhatsApp messages instead.

I’m still from the telephone generation. When I was a teenager, in my twenties, and even until about my mid-thirties, I remember spending hours and hours on the phone with friends. Believe it or not, despite all those hours I’ve spent on the phone, I only realised quite late that there is a kind of informal etiquette attached to these phone conversations. I think I only became aware of it when I was already in my mid-thirties.

I had reached an age where you start reflecting on how you differ from others, where you deviate, especially if you don’t quite match the social expectations that come with that stage of life.

That I wasn’t aware of this “informal phone etiquette” became clear to me when a friend picked up the phone and said:

“Yeah… what do you want?”

after I had introduced myself.

I replied:

 “You’re right, I usually only call when I need something.”

Others often call for the same reason. That wasn’t what made me different.

What others did differently was…

First they would ask:

“How are you doing?”

Then a few follow-up questions would come, creating a short conversation. Only after that would they get to the actual reason for calling.

So, for example…

“Hi, it’s Mike, how are you doing?”
“Yeah, I’m good, I just booked a holiday to Ibiza.”
“Oh nice, when are you going and for how long?”
“May 12th, for a week.”
“Sounds great, I’m jealous. Anyway, the reason I’m calling…”

Up until that moment of that confronting reaction, I had always skipped that entire “how are you doing?” part. I would immediately move on to:

“So, the reason I’m calling…”

The other way around, it also hadn’t really clicked that the “how are you doing?” is simply part of the social ritual of a phone call, and not something that is meant to be taken too literally or explored in depth. On the contrary, I would often go into full detail about what I was experiencing at that moment, and how I felt about it. It took me quite a while before I properly understood that in other contexts as well, you’re not really expected to take that question at face value.

Since then, I’ve trained myself to also go through that little script: the dutiful “how are you?” plus a few follow-up questions. I once admitted this to a friend.

She laughed:

“Yeah, I can tell you’re just forcing your way through it, waiting for the moment you can finally start talking.”

And she was right. It’s a trick I taught myself.

Because in that phase of life, it felt important to conform. But it doesn’t feel that important anymore. So maybe I should unlearn that trick again?

Because on the one hand, I don’t like asking someone how they are when I don’t really mean it, and on the other hand, I also don’t like it when someone asks me that question without really meaning it either.

And, for the record, nobody has ever been angry with me for not starting a phone call with “How are you?”. Not even that friend who confronted me with it back then.

And now I find myself wondering…
Could it be that people nowadays prefer sending a message or text because it allows them to skip that fixed phone script?

What do you think?

By the way…
I hardly call friends anymore when I need advice or other information.

I usually just ask ChatGPT instead.

What do you think: should there be small talk at the beginning of a phone call, or not?
And do you find yourself turning to text messages to avoid it altogether?

I’d love to hear your thoughts — feel free to drop a comment!

And… if this made you think of someone, you might want to send it to them.

Photo: Spencer Davis