Why We Say Things We Don’t Really Mean — and Still Act Like We Do

When someone says, "We should get together sometime soon," what do you actually hear? A genuine intention? A courtesy phrase? Or something in between?

HOW ARE YOU?

When I was a teenager, sometime in the 1980s, I read an article in a magazine my mother subscribed to. It explained that Americans commonly greeted people by saying "How are you?" At the time, that struck us Europeans as rather odd. (That's why the magazine had written about it in the first place.) If you'd asked a European that question back then, in the 1980s, you might have gotten an answer like this:

"I'm doing well, can't complain. But my wife broke her leg last week, so it's in a cast now. That means I've had to leave work an hour early every day this week so I can pick the kids up from school on time."

An American would probably have found that a very strange response. They would have expected something more like, "Fine, thanks. How about you?"

Europeans tended to interpret the question literally, as a genuine inquiry into how they were doing. Americans often used it as both a greeting and a social ritual. In everyday encounters, the expected response was usually something brief like "Fine, thanks. How about you?" A lengthy personal answer could even come across as inappropriate—or what we'd now call oversharing.

By now, "How are you?" has largely become a courtesy phrase in Europe as well. But it took quite some time for that shift to happen.

WHEN WORDS STOP BEING LITERAL

In the early 2000s, I spent some time working in Colombia. I had been sent there to advise a nonprofit organization on setting up humanitarian projects. There too, I noticed that my colleagues greeted me every morning with "¿Cómo estás?" And it was clearly not the kind of question that invited anything other than "Bien, bien!"

That stood out to me because, at the time, I wasn't used to that style of greeting in Europe yet. It felt insincere to me. After all, you're asking me how I'm doing, but apparently the only acceptable answer is "Good." That didn't feel like genuine interest.

"How are you?" isn't the only phrase that has gradually lost its literal meaning.

Sentences like "I'll definitely do that," "We really should get together sometime," "Send that to me—it sounds really interesting," or "I'll get back to you on that" no longer necessarily mean I genuinely intend to do this. More often, they serve to keep a conversation pleasant, avoid possible confrontation, or prevent awkward silences.

These kinds of expressions have taken on a more performative function. They're less about communicating intentions than about communicating: I want to present myself as someone who is engaged and considerate.

By now, they're used this way in Europe too. But that wasn't always the case.

THE INFLUENCE OF DIGITAL COMMUNICATION

My own suspicion is that the rise of digital communication has played a significant role in this shift. Since the early 2000s, email and text messaging have become increasingly dominant. In those forms of communication, you can't rely on nonverbal cues, so the need to manage tone becomes much greater.

You've probably experienced this yourself. Maybe you've written something you intended ironically, only to discover that the other person took it completely seriously. After a few painful misunderstandings like that, you learn to add a wink (😉) to make sure your meaning comes across.

Then, from the 2010s onward, with the rise of WhatsApp and social media platforms like Facebook, it seems as though form has become increasingly important, while content has gradually taken a back seat.

People rely more and more on stock phrases, upbeat closing remarks, and automatic markers of empathy, such as: "That's awesome!" "How wonderful!" "Great!" "Interesting!" "I'll definitely do that!" or even simply “❤️” or “👍”.

These short, standardized responses suggest empathy or involvement. But how much meaning is really left in them when the exact same response can be used almost automatically in countless different situations?

It increasingly feels as though online communication has become more and more about signaling engagement. A like, "That's great!" "So proud of you!" "I'm going to read this!" "DM me!"—these have become little social rituals, signals that say “I'm here”. The actual content becomes secondary; the social signal is what matters most. And from there, that style of communication gradually seeps into offline life as well.

WHY IT BOTHERS ME

Even though I understand the social function this kind of language serves, I still struggle with it.

People who use these expressions may be trying to communicate:

I see you.
I'm not hostile toward you.
I'm willing to engage with you.
We share the same social conventions.

But that's not the message I receive.

I wonder where the sense of being seen is in asking "How are you?" if you're not actually interested in the answer. To me, it feels more like the opposite.

Maybe saying "We should get together sometime soon" is your way of showing that you're friendly. But if you then become impossible to reach, or never seem to have the time, it doesn't feel particularly friendly to me. It leaves me feeling misled.

And what exactly do you mean by interaction? Is taking turns exchanging scripted, content-free phrases really interaction? To me, conversations like that are a bit like eating canned soup. It fills you up, but it hardly nourishes you.

And if this is how you communicate with me, then we clearly don't share the same social conventions after all.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

When someone says, "We should get together sometime soon," what do you actually hear? A genuine intention? A courtesy phrase? Or something in between?

Are there expressions that, in your view, have lost their original meaning?

Do you think social media and digital communication have changed the way we speak? Or do you think this shift was already well underway long before they came along?
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