Hard as Nails Until You’re Nice: Why Empathy Makes Me Cry

I wonder if this is true for you, too…

A few days ago I went to see my doctor to talk about whether I might be a candidate for hormone replacement therapy. She wanted to know, among other things, how much I was still dealing with menopausal symptoms (none, I’ve been in menopause far too long for that) and whether I might be having mood swings related to it. I told her I’ve felt more stable since menopause than I did when I was still having periods. As my cycle progressed, I would often feel my irritability building until my period finally arrived. Mentally, that usually came as a relief: Ah, so that’s why I’ve been so irritable. My period was about to start!

But I did have to admit that I’ve never been all that mentally stable. “I had a bit of a rough childhood,” I added.

The doctor said, “That’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done about that.” I immediately got a lump in my throat and tears sprang to my eyes.

I said, “You shouldn’t say things like that, because then I’ll cry.”

The doctor said, “You’re right, we were discussing something else.” And just like that, the lump in my throat and the tears were gone.

The reason I welled up is that the doctor had shown me understanding. I hadn’t expected that. In my experience, when you admit you’re not always stable, you’re usually met not with compassion but with judgment (often with a touch of superiority in it), or with unsolicited advice.

What I want to talk about here is this phenomenon: I burst into tears precisely when someone shows understanding.

And when someone takes a judgmental stance toward me, it’s the opposite. I’m on high alert and don’t cry at all, probably can’t even cry. Then I defend myself, usually with rational arguments and in a businesslike tone. I can be hard as nails, like a kind of nonstick coating that every emotion slides right off.

But the moment someone shows understanding, I lose all control. It’s as if I’m melting from a frozen state. It’s hard to put into words. It feels a bit like relief, like tension being released, like “finally.”

I’ve noticed this about myself many times over the course of my life.

I’ve more often felt misunderstood than understood.

In those situations I turn businesslike and hard, and I often feel in control.

But on those rare occasions when someone shows understanding, compassion, or empathy, I come completely undone. It’s as if my body and mind suddenly surrender entirely, and there’s no stopping it.

Does that sound familiar?

Photo: National Cancer Institute

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