Why Depression Is So Hard to Understand (And Explain)

Have you ever tried to explain depression to someone… and felt like they just didn’t get it?

Or the other way around—tried to help someone who was struggling, only to feel like nothing you did made any difference?

It can feel like you’re living in two completely different worlds.

You know, I often write here about periods in my life when I struggled. Psychologically, I mean.
Because of that, it might seem like I’m always feeling down or dealing with problems. But of course, that’s not the case. I write about it here because I’m a bit older now, and over the course of my life I’ve developed strategies to prevent psychological struggles and also to recover from them.  And I'd like to share those strategies with you.

Because I’ve come to realize that there are many people who could use some support in this area from time to time, yet you rarely hear anyone talk about it. Apparently, there’s still a strong taboo around mental health issues. I can understand that—it’s not easy to talk about. There’s a good chance you won’t be understood, and you also risk not being taken seriously.

That’s why I think it’s worth talking about the misunderstanding that exists between people who suffer from depression and those who don’t. I’ve experienced both states myself. And I’ve also experienced the mutual misunderstanding between them—on both sides, actually.

More than that, I’ve noticed something striking: when you’re not depressed, it’s hard to understand how you could ever have been so depressed. And when you are depressed, you can no longer relate to what it feels like not to be.

There is quite literally a world of difference between these two “states of being.” It’s as if you’re each operating on a completely different wavelength. And honestly, I don’t think it just seems that way—I think it actually is that way.
Being on entirely different wavelengths explains the mutual misunderstanding, but also why it’s so difficult for someone who is depressed to come out of that state. And that’s something people who aren’t depressed often underestimate.

What I found most difficult about that misunderstanding, when I was dealing with depression, was that people who aren’t depressed sometimes think they can just come along and cheer you up. Of course, they mean well—but it completely misses the point. They suggest doing fun things, or tell you to get out of the house and be around people because it will do you good. The fact that you simply can’t do that in a depressed state is something they cannot truly grasp.

It’s very frustrating—and often painfully lonely—to feel so misunderstood.

What irritated me the most was when people tried to cheer me up by acting overly cheerful themselves.
That can actually make things worse. Because when you’re depressed, your tolerance is already low, and then you also have to endure that kind of forced cheerfulness.

Honestly?
I often couldn’t tolerate it, and I would ask them to please stop.

Ouch.
That can easily be perceived as rejection…
And then you hear something like: 

“Wow, I’m only trying to help, but apparently you want to be depressed!”

No—that’s really not it at all. It’s simply the inability to understand each other from two worlds that are, in practice, almost impossible to bridge—let alone truly reach one another. And I mean that “reaching” almost literally. I would compare it to a kind of law of nature that cannot be bypassed…
Just as you can’t expect to travel from Amsterdam to Jakarta in an hour, you also can’t expect to instantly cheer up someone who is depressed. Someone who is depressed is, in a sense, simply too far away for that.

I mean that as “very far removed” from someone who isn’t depressed.

And just as there are specific routes to get from Amsterdam to Jakarta, there is also a certain path you have to follow to move from a depressed state to a non-depressed one. In other words: you usually can’t go directly from depressed to happy. Most people have to move through intermediate steps. And that not only takes time, but often includes setbacks. A common pattern could be described as two steps forward, one step back.

With this metaphor—Amsterdam versus Jakarta—I hope I’ve made it a bit clearer how people with and without depression can exist in two very different worlds, and how difficult it can be to bridge that gap. 

Of course, the metaphor isn’t perfect. For example, when you’re sitting on a plane waiting to reach your destination, you usually don’t experience setbacks—whereas setbacks are more the rule than the exception when recovering from depression.

But I think you can now see just how great the distance between these two lived realities can be.

And now the big question: how do you get out of depression?

It may sound counterintuitive, but in my experience, the best place to start is not to fight it.
Because that’s a battle you will lose. What you resist, persists.

But perhaps I’ll write more about that another time.

Something that did help me back then was having someone who genuinely listened to me with interest—without trying to cheer me up or give advice that I simply wasn’t able to act on at that moment.

If you feel you could use that kind of listening ear, feel free to reach out. You’re welcome to meet me in Amsterdam or in Bagheria (Palermo).

Have you ever felt misunderstood when talking about mental health — either as the person struggling or as someone trying to help? If you feel like sharing, I’d be interested to hear your experience in the comments. And if this message resonates with you and you feel misunderstood, you might consider sharing it with the person or people involved—if you think it could apply and might be received.
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