A Very Diplomatic Rejection

What Do You Think I Should Have Said?

Yesterday, my friend Sandra finally called me.

We normally talk on the phone once or twice a week. We don't see each other all that often. She lives in Antwerp, and I live in Amsterdam. We've known each other since we were teenagers. I actually grew up in Antwerp.

And because we've known each other for so long, I know that it's not normal for Sandra and me to go several weeks without talking. When that happens, there's usually something going on: either she's completely absorbed in something, or she's feeling down.

I had actually assumed she was completely wrapped up in something. I had, of course, already sent her a few text messages asking how she was doing. And her replies had been superficial, but positive.

It turned out that she was indeed wrapped up in something. But it was more of a deliberate distraction from something else. Because yesterday, she finally came out with it: “I'm struggling with something.”

I listened to Sandra's story, but I didn't quite understand what she was struggling with. At least, from my perspective, there didn't seem to be all that much to struggle with.

Sandra told me she'd been spending time with a woman named Christle, who was considerably older than she was, and that she'd found it difficult to tell me about it because it might seem strange. Or at least, other people—people who didn't know them, or didn't know them well—might find it strange. They might not know what to make of it. They might wonder: What is this?

Now, forgive me for saying this—I mean this as an aside to you; I didn't say it to Sandra—but I'm a pretty pragmatic person. If people don't know what to make of something, you just give them the information they need to understand it. And then, as far as I'm concerned, the problem is solved. Right?

At least, that's what I told Sandra.

What do you think? Am I being too simplistic here?

Anyway, I brought up the example of a video I'd seen on YouTube some time ago, in which Holland Taylor and Sarah Paulson simply told an Entertainment Tonight journalist exactly what the situation was between them. There's something like a thirty-year age difference between them. No big deal!

But then the real issue finally came out.

That wasn't actually the struggle either.

The real struggle was that, in fact, there was nothing more than a friendship between Christle—the older woman—and Sandra.

After Sandra and Christle had spent the past two and a half years building a close friendship—frequently going shopping together, having lunch, running errands, cooking together over a glass of wine, and with Sandra regularly spending the night at Christle's—Sandra had finally worked up the courage to tell Christle that her feelings went beyond ordinary friendship.

Christle's response had been: “I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I'm still dealing with my divorce.”

And now Sandra had ended the friendship.

Not because she was angry with Christle, but to protect herself.

And now Sandra wanted to know what I thought about it. Had she done the right thing? Because perhaps—there was always that possibility—Christle might eventually be ready for a relationship once she'd worked through her divorce.

No. My experience tells me otherwise.

Because there's one rule I've had to establish in my own life: If you have to wonder whether the other person is into you too, they're not.

Because if they were into you, you wouldn't have to wonder. It would be obvious.

I told Sandra that I myself had once said something similar to a man who had made his feelings for me known: “I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm just not cut out for a relationship. I've never really had a long-term relationship, and I have no idea how you're supposed to do that.”

One thing I can assure you of—and this is more or less what I told Sandra, too—is that if I had actually been head over heels in love with that man, I would have given him a very different answer.

Maybe I would have admitted that I didn't have much experience with relationships and that this made me feel somewhat insecure about them. But I wouldn't have presented that as a foregone conclusion, as a reason why a relationship couldn't happen. Quite the opposite. I would have added that I was open to it.

That's how I see it, and that's what I told Sandra: “I think you were diplomatically rejected.”

Because I'm convinced that if Christle had actually been head over heels in love with Sandra, she would have given a very different response to Sandra's confession.

What do you think?

Am I reasoning too much from my own way of thinking and my own experience?

Do you think Christle might eventually be ready for a relationship? I'm sure she will. Just not with Sandra.

At least, that's what I think.

Photo: Timur Repin

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